Title: Mummer’s Dance
Name: Jules
Rating: PG-15 maybe sometimes higher
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don’t own any of the characters, no matter how much I WISH I did. They
belong to the idiot Joss and the WB, though Joss is a revered God. Any other characters, I created.
Summary: Cordelia never had anyone who cared for her, until Xander came along, she let him in and he
betrayed her. What secrets does Cordelia have? Angel has always loved Buffy, she was his first love, his
one and true love...right? A temporal rift shows all, when Cordelia falls in, back to Ireland 1752...
Mummer’s Dance
By Jules
Chapter 1
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Author’s notes: This story takes place BEFORE The Zeppo. I don’t know what’s going on in the Buffy/Angel story
line, we only got the WB this year. So lets just say, Buffy’s lusting for Angel, but he’s keeping a distance, because he
doesn’t want to hurt her, and the fact that she KILLED HIM doesn’t exactly create the base for a good relationship.
(Buffy fan’s, don’t go all defensive on me, I’m just a true Cordelia fan at heart, and basically I’m bending everything to
suite MY purposes. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me! BWAHAHAHAHAHA)
<sheepish> Um, I think I’ll start now...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
February 1999
** 11 pm **
Angel was patrolling an area around the back of the graveyard, when he noticed someone kneeling near a
grave, it being so late it night, it gave him reason to be suspicious. So silently he went closer, very
surprised when he recognized the voice.
~*~
Cordelia slowly walked through the cemetery, until finally she was at the edge of the graveyard, at a place
only she went to.
It wasn’t very full, through it had a beautiful view, and was right under a maple tree that would have
been perfect for climbing, if it wasn’t in the graveyard. She knelt before a new-looking headstone, tracing
the letters of the name with her fingers.
Morgan Chase Harris
Died November 1998
God decided his most precious angel
needed to stay in heaven, where it will
watch over it’s family for eternity
“Hey baby. A lot of stuff has happened since I came last time.” Cordelia took a deep breath before she
began explaining, “I’ve started to develop supernatural powers. Yeah I know, freak much? I get visions,
psychic images, and the power to cast spells just by pointing. And the best part, immortality. Your
grandparents neglected to tell me about this until just before we lost it all. I hadn’t mentioned that, had I.
Granddad decided he didn’t need to pay taxes, for the past 12-years...everything’s gone Morgan. We’re
going to lose the mansion soon. All my stuff is being packed up as we speak. We’re going to have to sell
my car soon too. And you know about Harmony and all them, and about Buffy, Xander, and Willow...I
thought I could trust them. I really did. But you know what? Worst of all, is not having you baby.”
Cordelia began crying, “You were gone before I even had a chance to tell your Daddy about you. I’ll never
get to hold you in my arms, never get to hear you laugh, I’ll never even know if you were a boy or a girl.”
Tormented sobs racked her, her torso was heaving up and down in an effort to get a breath.
In his shadowy lurkdom, Angel was stunned by her admissions. Poor Cordelia, she had been pregnant
when she fell, she’d lost a baby, a child whom would never see the light of day.
He couldn’t just stand there listening to her cry. Silently he strode over, crouching down next to her, and
hugged her.
Cordelia jumped, and struggled against her unseen assailant.
Angel didn’t let go, “Shhh, Cordelia, it’s me. It’s all right.”
Cordelia went slack and just cried harder, leaning on him, not having the energy to fight him.
Angel knew it wasn’t safe out, so gently he scooped up the sobbing girl and carried her back to his new
house, which he’d purchased.
Cordelia decided to trust Angel. It had been so long since someone actually cared about her enough to
comfort her, and Xander hadn’t counted, because he’d just broken her heart.
In a corner of her mind, she knew she’d been lifted up, and was being carried, but actions didn’t really
register.
She grieved, letting her heart truly cry. She grieved for Xander, she weeped for herself, for losing
everything, she mourned for Morgan.
Cordelia felt Angel laying her down on something soft, but she didn’t open her eyes. She let the
exhaustion take over, and she feel into a deep sleep.
** Hours later **
Angel leaned in the doorframe, watching Cordelia sleep on the bed, her face streaked with tears. The poor
teen had been through so much lately. Most of which no one had no idea about. Cordelia, pregnant by
Xander, prior to the fall, and she’d lost the baby when she caught him cheating on her. Her parents had
lost their money, the only people she’d ever really considered her real friends, had betrayed her. Angel
could tell it was hard for her to trust people, by the bitch persona mask she put on, and she’d dropped it
for them, then Xander had broken that trust.
While he was watching, Cordelia’s eyes began to flutter. He stood up straight, completely ready to act
when her eyes opened.
Cordelia woke up little by little; quickly grasping that she wasn’t in her bed again, and then she become
conscious where she was. Her eyes spotted Angel in the doorway and she sat up, remembering what had
happened.
Cautiously Angel went over to her, “I brought you to my place. You weren’t in any shape to go home,
alone.”
“Thanks.” she whispered, she looked at him beseechingly, “How much did you hear?”
“Everything...” he admitted.
“Please, don’t tell anyone, about anything that you heard, especially Xander...I know it’s selfish, but I don’
t want him to even know Morgan existed. And I don’t want him to know, I don’t want him to have to
feel this,” she bit her lip, “this ache that seems to gnaw at your soul and your heart.” she wrapped her
arms around herself, rocking, “God, it hurts so much, and I miss Morgan so much. When I think about it,
I wonder how, how could I miss something so much? It was gone before I even got to meet it, see it, talk
to it...hold it <sniff>, hear it laugh, <sob> hear it say it’s first word, cry for it’s Momma...” then she broke
completely down again.
Angel took her in his arms, his heart going out to her, “I know Cordelia, I know.”
“I feel like part of me is missing. Like there’s a huge hole, where Morgan should be.”
“I know, but the pain does lessen. It won’t ever go away completely, but you learn to accept what
happened.” Angel promised her.
Cordelia pulled away, and gazed up at him, “How would you know?” It was then that Cordelia saw
understanding in his eyes.
“Before I was turned, I was married for awhile.” Angel divulged with a heavy heart, “My wife, I guess the
pregnancy was just too much for her. She died before she even gave birth, the baby with her.” Angel’s
eyes reflected a deep seeded pain, and Cordelia could sense he was telling the truth.
“The doctors told me I had to accept what had happened." Cordelia revealed softly. "And I never told
anyone else. And the psychiatrist never understood, he just didn’t get it either. Why do they always think
that it just will go away?”
“I think because they’ve never lost a child. Especially before it was even born.”
Cordelia leaned against him, sighing, “It hurts so much. And I just feel so guilty, if I had just protected
Morgan better...“ Her eyes filled with fear, “Please, don’t tell anyone about Morgan, and my family, please.
You can’t tell anyone.” she pleaded.
Angel held her closer to him and rubbed her back, trying to get her to stop shaking, “I won’t. I promise
Cordelia. I promise.”
They stayed together like that, until Cordelia fell asleep in Angel’s arms, Angel didn’t want to let her go,
so he carefully laid down with her, covering them up with his free arm with the, and fell asleep with her.
** The next day **
Angel woke up, and saw that Cordelia was still fast asleep, the circles under her eyes caused him to decide
to let her sleep. Carefully, he maneuvered himself out from under her.
He gazed at her, realizing he had never really looked at Cordelia Chase before, she really was a gorgeous
female, but she had such deep pain. The armor she’d built around herself really fooled everyone, but inside
she was a frail, scared, heart broken young woman, with a lot of torment. She never let anyone see how
hurt she was. Angel had a feeling that he was the only one in the whole world to know the whole truth.
Buffy had mentioned to him that Cordelia had told her once that you could be surrounded by people, but
really all alone, but it was better then being completely alone. Cordelia Chase knew what she was talking
about.
She truly was a magnificent, beautiful girl. She was stronger then she let on, but still, so very vulnerable.
Cordelia reminded him of someone though. It was faint...somewhere in the back of his mind. He couldn’t
quite remember who, or when, but there was something so familiar.…
~*~
** Around 6th hour **
Buffy walked into the library with a worried look on her face.
“Has anyone seen Cordelia today?” she questioned.
Oz furrowed his brow, actually looking concerned. He and the May Queen had formed a friendship, when
he’d caught her about to jump off the roof at the hospital three months prior, when he’d been up there for
a breath of fresh air, right before he was going in to visit her. He’d also been there the first time Cordelia
had visited Morgan’s grave. There was an unspoken agreement that he’d never tell a living, or undead,
thing. He knew that she’d severed ties with the Cordettes a couple weeks ago as well.
“Maybe she’s out sick.” Willow suggested.
The rest of the Slayerettes seemed to agree, until Oz shook his head.
“Cordelia doesn’t get sick. She hasn’t missed a day of school for illness since she was nine, because she had
the chickenpox and it was highly contagious. And she never mentioned going on vacation.”
“Like she’d tell us. It’s not like she talks to us anymore, except to give insults.” Xander commented snidely.
“Maybe not to you guys.” Oz declared cryptically.
“I’ll call her parents.” Willow offered, standing up and going to the phone.
A few minutes later she returned with an apprehensive look on her face, “Her mother said Cordelia hadn’t
come home last night. They weren’t worried until this morning, because apparently, she often stays out
past midnight these days, but she’s always home to at least change her clothes for school.”
“That means, something’s probably happened.” Xander deduced, as if no one else had.
Giles interrupted before anyone got upset, “Now let’s not get to hasty. She could have just met up with a
friend or something...let’s wait until tomorrow morning, and if there’s still no sign of her, let we’ll panic.”
The Slayer and her band of Slayerettes reluctantly agreed...
~*~
Angel’s vampire senses heard sobbing coming from the bedroom where Cordelia slept, and he quickly
went to her. Opening the door, he was surprised to see she was still sleeping. She was crying in her sleep!
He sat down next to her on the bed and shook her, “Cordelia, wake up.”
Cordelia’s brow was sweaty, and she still tossed and turned.
Angel kept whispering, “Shhh, shhh, it’s ok Delia. I’m here, I won’t let anything hurt you.” he brushed
the locks off her face.
Her tear filled eyes opened and her sobs continued. Angel, on instinct, hugged her close to him, “What
happened? Did you have a nightmare?”
Cordelia whimpered, “I dreamed that he came after me...his fangs were so long.”
“It was just a dream. It wasn’t real.”
“But it was, it was real...”
“What?”
“I’ve known about vampires and Slayers longer then anyone else in the ‘Scooby Gang’, since I was 12. For
some reason no one seems to remember this, but I had two little brothers. Two sweet, innocent, little
brothers, Claudio was only seven...I’d taken him and Cassius, my other little brother, to the park, we were
playing hid and go seek. We never noticed it had stared to get dark. Cassius and I were hiding. I was a
really good hider, too good. I was hiding up in a tree, and Claudio never came. After ten minutes, I came
down...I found him near the swings.” Cordelia’s voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, “He was so pale, so
very pale. The life had just been drained out of him. I saw the holes in his neck...I’d seen Dracula, I knew
what had happened. A vampire had killed him, because I hadn’t protected him. I started screaming, and
sobbing, holding his lifeless body to mine...that’s when he came back, with yellow eyes, a freaky looking
face, fangs, the vampire who’d killed my little Claude. He was about to attack when a girl saved me...she
must have heard my screaming...I saw him turn to dust. I was grateful, but, if she’d only come five
minutes earlier. Five minutes, Claudio would still have been alive. Cassius was only four, he’d fallen asleep
in his wagon. But he’d seen it happen. Later that night, after our nanny took Cassius and me home from
the hospital, she told us the legend of the Slayer, and about vampires, I don’t even know how she knew.
Anyway, she gave both of us cross necklaces to protect us. Cass still remembers seeing that vampire biting
Claudio’s neck. He’s nine now, and caries a crucifix wherever he goes. If only she’d gotten there just five
minutes earlier...”
“Is that why you hate Buffy? Because she’s the slayer?”
“What?!”
“Because the other slayer didn’t get there in time to save your brother.”
Cordelia nodded her head, but then shook it negatively, “I don’t hate her, I just resent her. I know it’s not
fair, they can’t save everyone. But I guess, I just needed someone to blame, someone tangible, that I could
see everyday, besides my own face in the mirror. Because trust me, I blame myself plenty.” Cordelia
shivered, “The nightmare though, it just keeps coming back, only now, he kills me, and he kills Cassius
and my baby brother Corin.”
“I promise, I won’t let that happen. I can even make sure no vampires bothers you again.” He promised
her, handing her a handkerchief.
“How?” Cordelia asked, drying her eyes.
Angel pulled a ruby and diamond ring off his finger (of course you’ve never noticed it, but it’s there...oh let me
have my delusions!) and gave it to her, “This ring symbolizes you’re under my protection. Any demon who
sees it knows, if they mess with someone wearing this ring, they’re going to have to deal with Angelus.”
Cordelia glanced at the ring in the palm of her hand, and then at him, “Why are you doing this Angel?
“Because you’re hurting, and I know how you feel. I know how much it hurts.”
“I know this doesn’t sound like me. But I’ve treated you like shit. Why would you want to help me.”
“I terrorized you while I was Angelus, I didn’t exactly give you much reason to EVER trust me.”
Cordelia wrinkled her nose, still nodding her head in agreement, shivering remembering what had
happened, but put the ring on her middle finger, then lay back against the pillows, “What time is it?”
“I let you sleep, it’s about quarter to three, pm.”
Cordelia’s eyes got wide, “My parents will be worried to death.”
“There’s a phone right there.” He stood up and pointed to a phone.
Cordelia crawled out of bed and dialed her home number.
“Hello?” the female voice on the other end answered.
“Mother?!” Cordelia questioned, shocked that her mother had actually answered the phone.
“Cordelia Chase, where on earth are you?!” her mother demanded.
“Calm down, I’m...ok...but we need to talk when I get back, and before you ask, no, I don’t know when
that’ll be.”
“Fine, but where are you, where have you been?”
“With a friend, it was really late last night when we met up, so I crashed at their place.”
“Do I know this new friend?”
“I seriously doubt it since you’ve never met any of my friends. Goodbye Mother, have fun getting drunk
off your ass.” Then Cordelia hung up, hugging herself.
The room was silent, Cordelia stared at the phone, Angel at her.
“Are you alright Cordelia?” Angel finally asked after a long time of silence.
Cordelia turned her head sharply and snapped at him, “Huh? Oh, of course I am. I mean, my entire life is
going down the tubes. My home is being packed up as we speak. My father’s probably going to go to
prison, and I have no idea where I’m going to be living next week.” Cordelia sunk down on the bed, “My
life is like a sad story line from a soap opera or something, except you just need to add the super natural.”
Angel wasn’t surprised at her outburst, or the bitterness in her voice, and was feeling serious pity for the
May Queen, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He’d never felt the need to comfort anyone before, but before
he could do anything, her face-hardened.
“No. I’m going to do this. I am Cordelia Chase. I don’t do the ‘wallow in self-pity’ thing. That is so over.”
she straightened up and took a couple of deep breaths, “I’m not going to act all weepy eyed about this I’ll
just have to figure things out. I’m not going to let myself go down that road again. I’ll be strong, and I’ll
never show weakness again...” she gets pale, “R-right after this.” She put her hand to her mouth and ran
to the master bathroom attached to the bedroom she’d luckily noticed earlier.
Angel cringed at the sound of her getting ill in the bathroom. He followed her in and saw her kneeling
over the toilet. He crouched down behind her and held her hair as she retched into the bowl. When she
finally stopped, he handed her a Kleenex (left by the previous owners obviously).
“Here you go.” he said it with a caring gentle voice.
She looked at him, very pale, “Ok, now I’ll never show weakness again.”
Angel hide a smile, “Do you want to lay down?”
Cordelia nodded her head, but leaned against his shoulder listlessly. Angel caught on, and scooped her up,
then carried her back to the bed, laying down with her, sensing her need for companionship.
** That night **
Angel walked Cordelia to her door
“Um, Angel, I don’t say this much, but, thank you.” Cordelia told him, biting her lip.
“No problem. It was nice to have some company actually. Feel free to visit anytime.”
“You do realize I’m going to be taking you up on that often, and use you as an escape.”
“It’s nice to be someone’s escape again.” Angel revealed to her honestly.
They are silent for a moment, then she impulsively gave him a quick kiss on the lips, “Good night Angel.”
Then she disappeared inside. Angel’s surprised, but when he heard a van coming in the distance, he high
tailed it out of there.
Cordelia leaned against the door, shocked at what she’d just done. She’d kissed a dead guy...and it was
astonishingly nice.
Then the realization of what she did hit her, and she banged her head against the door, ‘I am stupid, very
stupid, stupid, stupid. What the hell do I think I’m doing?! He’s a vampire!’
Cordelia was so caught up in her thoughts, she jumped when someone knocked on the door. She spun
around and opened it.
“Oz!” she exclaimed.
Oz looked her up and down, “So you are ok. Good.”
“Were you worried?”
“A little.” He admitted. He studied her closely. He took note of her haggard appearance, the fact she’d
seemed to age since last time he saw her, and the fact she was wearing the same clothes she’d had on the
day before, “Something’s happened.”
Cordelia closed her eyes, not surprised he’d caught that, but nodded her head.
“Do you want to go somewhere to talk?” he offered kindly.
“Yeah, I need to tell you.” Cordelia grabbed her purse, then they’re on their way.
They drove in silence for ten minutes, until they reached a secluded lookout point. Oz stopped, and turned
off the van. He knew she’d talk when she’s ready, so he just waited for her to start.
Cordelia wasn’t sure how to tell him. Oz was the only friend she had left, if you didn’t count Angel, but
he wasn’t really a friend. She desperately didn’t want to lose him, but she also knew he was Oz, and he’d
never judge her, but it didn’t stop her from being afraid of what he’d think. This was totally shallow to
him, but it was her life.
She took a deep breath, and stared out at the beautiful scene below her, not looking at Oz as she talked,
“Oz, the IRS took all our money. My parents are broke.”
Oz just raised his eyebrow, “Don’t you have that trust fund? From your Grandfather?”
“Yeah, but I can’t use it until I turn 25, or else I have get married, after the age of 21. Next week, it’s all
gone. Everything, every last thing that once resembled my life, will be gone. What happened? Why did
this happen?”
“Who knows.”
“Did I ever tell you about my mother?”
Oz shakes his head.
“She’s an alcoholic, she started drinking after my bother Claudio was killed five years ago. We can’t afford
a nanny anymore, and my bothers are nine and three. Cassius, he’s nine, saw Claudio get murdered, it
was a vampire, I was there too, really long story...but, the nightmares are still there. And mom, she
drinks. More and more every year, plus she’s got chronic fatigue syndrome. They thought it was Epstiene
bar, but she just never got better, until finally they’ve diagnosed her with it. She just drank more. My
father might go to prison, so who’s going to watch out for them? Hopefully, one of my scholarships will
come through, so I can go to college, but if it does, who’s going to protect them if I don’t get one to
Sunnydale University?”
“Don’t worry Cordelia, we’ll figure out something.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Please, I want replies, I know it sounds pathetic, but I live for feedback, good or bad! If you have any
questions, or anything you’d like to point out, feel free to e-mail me! I always answer questions. And I’m
more inclined to respond back to positive reviews, if there’s a specific scene you enjoyed, or a line you
loved. I like to know what people enjoyed about my writings. A writer is always improving himself or
herself.
SO REPLY!
Name: Jules
Rating: PG-15 maybe sometimes higher
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don’t own any of the characters, no matter how much I WISH I did. They
belong to the idiot Joss and the WB, though Joss is a revered God. Any other characters, I created.
Summary: Cordelia never had anyone who cared for her, until Xander came along, she let him in and he
betrayed her. What secrets does Cordelia have? Angel has always loved Buffy, she was his first love, his
one and true love...right? A temporal rift shows all, when Cordelia falls in, back to Ireland 1752...
Mummer’s Dance
By Jules
Chapter 1
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Author’s notes: This story takes place BEFORE The Zeppo. I don’t know what’s going on in the Buffy/Angel story
line, we only got the WB this year. So lets just say, Buffy’s lusting for Angel, but he’s keeping a distance, because he
doesn’t want to hurt her, and the fact that she KILLED HIM doesn’t exactly create the base for a good relationship.
(Buffy fan’s, don’t go all defensive on me, I’m just a true Cordelia fan at heart, and basically I’m bending everything to
suite MY purposes. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me! BWAHAHAHAHAHA)
<sheepish> Um, I think I’ll start now...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
February 1999
** 11 pm **
Angel was patrolling an area around the back of the graveyard, when he noticed someone kneeling near a
grave, it being so late it night, it gave him reason to be suspicious. So silently he went closer, very
surprised when he recognized the voice.
~*~
Cordelia slowly walked through the cemetery, until finally she was at the edge of the graveyard, at a place
only she went to.
It wasn’t very full, through it had a beautiful view, and was right under a maple tree that would have
been perfect for climbing, if it wasn’t in the graveyard. She knelt before a new-looking headstone, tracing
the letters of the name with her fingers.
Morgan Chase Harris
Died November 1998
God decided his most precious angel
needed to stay in heaven, where it will
watch over it’s family for eternity
“Hey baby. A lot of stuff has happened since I came last time.” Cordelia took a deep breath before she
began explaining, “I’ve started to develop supernatural powers. Yeah I know, freak much? I get visions,
psychic images, and the power to cast spells just by pointing. And the best part, immortality. Your
grandparents neglected to tell me about this until just before we lost it all. I hadn’t mentioned that, had I.
Granddad decided he didn’t need to pay taxes, for the past 12-years...everything’s gone Morgan. We’re
going to lose the mansion soon. All my stuff is being packed up as we speak. We’re going to have to sell
my car soon too. And you know about Harmony and all them, and about Buffy, Xander, and Willow...I
thought I could trust them. I really did. But you know what? Worst of all, is not having you baby.”
Cordelia began crying, “You were gone before I even had a chance to tell your Daddy about you. I’ll never
get to hold you in my arms, never get to hear you laugh, I’ll never even know if you were a boy or a girl.”
Tormented sobs racked her, her torso was heaving up and down in an effort to get a breath.
In his shadowy lurkdom, Angel was stunned by her admissions. Poor Cordelia, she had been pregnant
when she fell, she’d lost a baby, a child whom would never see the light of day.
He couldn’t just stand there listening to her cry. Silently he strode over, crouching down next to her, and
hugged her.
Cordelia jumped, and struggled against her unseen assailant.
Angel didn’t let go, “Shhh, Cordelia, it’s me. It’s all right.”
Cordelia went slack and just cried harder, leaning on him, not having the energy to fight him.
Angel knew it wasn’t safe out, so gently he scooped up the sobbing girl and carried her back to his new
house, which he’d purchased.
Cordelia decided to trust Angel. It had been so long since someone actually cared about her enough to
comfort her, and Xander hadn’t counted, because he’d just broken her heart.
In a corner of her mind, she knew she’d been lifted up, and was being carried, but actions didn’t really
register.
She grieved, letting her heart truly cry. She grieved for Xander, she weeped for herself, for losing
everything, she mourned for Morgan.
Cordelia felt Angel laying her down on something soft, but she didn’t open her eyes. She let the
exhaustion take over, and she feel into a deep sleep.
** Hours later **
Angel leaned in the doorframe, watching Cordelia sleep on the bed, her face streaked with tears. The poor
teen had been through so much lately. Most of which no one had no idea about. Cordelia, pregnant by
Xander, prior to the fall, and she’d lost the baby when she caught him cheating on her. Her parents had
lost their money, the only people she’d ever really considered her real friends, had betrayed her. Angel
could tell it was hard for her to trust people, by the bitch persona mask she put on, and she’d dropped it
for them, then Xander had broken that trust.
While he was watching, Cordelia’s eyes began to flutter. He stood up straight, completely ready to act
when her eyes opened.
Cordelia woke up little by little; quickly grasping that she wasn’t in her bed again, and then she become
conscious where she was. Her eyes spotted Angel in the doorway and she sat up, remembering what had
happened.
Cautiously Angel went over to her, “I brought you to my place. You weren’t in any shape to go home,
alone.”
“Thanks.” she whispered, she looked at him beseechingly, “How much did you hear?”
“Everything...” he admitted.
“Please, don’t tell anyone, about anything that you heard, especially Xander...I know it’s selfish, but I don’
t want him to even know Morgan existed. And I don’t want him to know, I don’t want him to have to
feel this,” she bit her lip, “this ache that seems to gnaw at your soul and your heart.” she wrapped her
arms around herself, rocking, “God, it hurts so much, and I miss Morgan so much. When I think about it,
I wonder how, how could I miss something so much? It was gone before I even got to meet it, see it, talk
to it...hold it <sniff>, hear it laugh, <sob> hear it say it’s first word, cry for it’s Momma...” then she broke
completely down again.
Angel took her in his arms, his heart going out to her, “I know Cordelia, I know.”
“I feel like part of me is missing. Like there’s a huge hole, where Morgan should be.”
“I know, but the pain does lessen. It won’t ever go away completely, but you learn to accept what
happened.” Angel promised her.
Cordelia pulled away, and gazed up at him, “How would you know?” It was then that Cordelia saw
understanding in his eyes.
“Before I was turned, I was married for awhile.” Angel divulged with a heavy heart, “My wife, I guess the
pregnancy was just too much for her. She died before she even gave birth, the baby with her.” Angel’s
eyes reflected a deep seeded pain, and Cordelia could sense he was telling the truth.
“The doctors told me I had to accept what had happened." Cordelia revealed softly. "And I never told
anyone else. And the psychiatrist never understood, he just didn’t get it either. Why do they always think
that it just will go away?”
“I think because they’ve never lost a child. Especially before it was even born.”
Cordelia leaned against him, sighing, “It hurts so much. And I just feel so guilty, if I had just protected
Morgan better...“ Her eyes filled with fear, “Please, don’t tell anyone about Morgan, and my family, please.
You can’t tell anyone.” she pleaded.
Angel held her closer to him and rubbed her back, trying to get her to stop shaking, “I won’t. I promise
Cordelia. I promise.”
They stayed together like that, until Cordelia fell asleep in Angel’s arms, Angel didn’t want to let her go,
so he carefully laid down with her, covering them up with his free arm with the, and fell asleep with her.
** The next day **
Angel woke up, and saw that Cordelia was still fast asleep, the circles under her eyes caused him to decide
to let her sleep. Carefully, he maneuvered himself out from under her.
He gazed at her, realizing he had never really looked at Cordelia Chase before, she really was a gorgeous
female, but she had such deep pain. The armor she’d built around herself really fooled everyone, but inside
she was a frail, scared, heart broken young woman, with a lot of torment. She never let anyone see how
hurt she was. Angel had a feeling that he was the only one in the whole world to know the whole truth.
Buffy had mentioned to him that Cordelia had told her once that you could be surrounded by people, but
really all alone, but it was better then being completely alone. Cordelia Chase knew what she was talking
about.
She truly was a magnificent, beautiful girl. She was stronger then she let on, but still, so very vulnerable.
Cordelia reminded him of someone though. It was faint...somewhere in the back of his mind. He couldn’t
quite remember who, or when, but there was something so familiar.…
~*~
** Around 6th hour **
Buffy walked into the library with a worried look on her face.
“Has anyone seen Cordelia today?” she questioned.
Oz furrowed his brow, actually looking concerned. He and the May Queen had formed a friendship, when
he’d caught her about to jump off the roof at the hospital three months prior, when he’d been up there for
a breath of fresh air, right before he was going in to visit her. He’d also been there the first time Cordelia
had visited Morgan’s grave. There was an unspoken agreement that he’d never tell a living, or undead,
thing. He knew that she’d severed ties with the Cordettes a couple weeks ago as well.
“Maybe she’s out sick.” Willow suggested.
The rest of the Slayerettes seemed to agree, until Oz shook his head.
“Cordelia doesn’t get sick. She hasn’t missed a day of school for illness since she was nine, because she had
the chickenpox and it was highly contagious. And she never mentioned going on vacation.”
“Like she’d tell us. It’s not like she talks to us anymore, except to give insults.” Xander commented snidely.
“Maybe not to you guys.” Oz declared cryptically.
“I’ll call her parents.” Willow offered, standing up and going to the phone.
A few minutes later she returned with an apprehensive look on her face, “Her mother said Cordelia hadn’t
come home last night. They weren’t worried until this morning, because apparently, she often stays out
past midnight these days, but she’s always home to at least change her clothes for school.”
“That means, something’s probably happened.” Xander deduced, as if no one else had.
Giles interrupted before anyone got upset, “Now let’s not get to hasty. She could have just met up with a
friend or something...let’s wait until tomorrow morning, and if there’s still no sign of her, let we’ll panic.”
The Slayer and her band of Slayerettes reluctantly agreed...
~*~
Angel’s vampire senses heard sobbing coming from the bedroom where Cordelia slept, and he quickly
went to her. Opening the door, he was surprised to see she was still sleeping. She was crying in her sleep!
He sat down next to her on the bed and shook her, “Cordelia, wake up.”
Cordelia’s brow was sweaty, and she still tossed and turned.
Angel kept whispering, “Shhh, shhh, it’s ok Delia. I’m here, I won’t let anything hurt you.” he brushed
the locks off her face.
Her tear filled eyes opened and her sobs continued. Angel, on instinct, hugged her close to him, “What
happened? Did you have a nightmare?”
Cordelia whimpered, “I dreamed that he came after me...his fangs were so long.”
“It was just a dream. It wasn’t real.”
“But it was, it was real...”
“What?”
“I’ve known about vampires and Slayers longer then anyone else in the ‘Scooby Gang’, since I was 12. For
some reason no one seems to remember this, but I had two little brothers. Two sweet, innocent, little
brothers, Claudio was only seven...I’d taken him and Cassius, my other little brother, to the park, we were
playing hid and go seek. We never noticed it had stared to get dark. Cassius and I were hiding. I was a
really good hider, too good. I was hiding up in a tree, and Claudio never came. After ten minutes, I came
down...I found him near the swings.” Cordelia’s voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, “He was so pale, so
very pale. The life had just been drained out of him. I saw the holes in his neck...I’d seen Dracula, I knew
what had happened. A vampire had killed him, because I hadn’t protected him. I started screaming, and
sobbing, holding his lifeless body to mine...that’s when he came back, with yellow eyes, a freaky looking
face, fangs, the vampire who’d killed my little Claude. He was about to attack when a girl saved me...she
must have heard my screaming...I saw him turn to dust. I was grateful, but, if she’d only come five
minutes earlier. Five minutes, Claudio would still have been alive. Cassius was only four, he’d fallen asleep
in his wagon. But he’d seen it happen. Later that night, after our nanny took Cassius and me home from
the hospital, she told us the legend of the Slayer, and about vampires, I don’t even know how she knew.
Anyway, she gave both of us cross necklaces to protect us. Cass still remembers seeing that vampire biting
Claudio’s neck. He’s nine now, and caries a crucifix wherever he goes. If only she’d gotten there just five
minutes earlier...”
“Is that why you hate Buffy? Because she’s the slayer?”
“What?!”
“Because the other slayer didn’t get there in time to save your brother.”
Cordelia nodded her head, but then shook it negatively, “I don’t hate her, I just resent her. I know it’s not
fair, they can’t save everyone. But I guess, I just needed someone to blame, someone tangible, that I could
see everyday, besides my own face in the mirror. Because trust me, I blame myself plenty.” Cordelia
shivered, “The nightmare though, it just keeps coming back, only now, he kills me, and he kills Cassius
and my baby brother Corin.”
“I promise, I won’t let that happen. I can even make sure no vampires bothers you again.” He promised
her, handing her a handkerchief.
“How?” Cordelia asked, drying her eyes.
Angel pulled a ruby and diamond ring off his finger (of course you’ve never noticed it, but it’s there...oh let me
have my delusions!) and gave it to her, “This ring symbolizes you’re under my protection. Any demon who
sees it knows, if they mess with someone wearing this ring, they’re going to have to deal with Angelus.”
Cordelia glanced at the ring in the palm of her hand, and then at him, “Why are you doing this Angel?
“Because you’re hurting, and I know how you feel. I know how much it hurts.”
“I know this doesn’t sound like me. But I’ve treated you like shit. Why would you want to help me.”
“I terrorized you while I was Angelus, I didn’t exactly give you much reason to EVER trust me.”
Cordelia wrinkled her nose, still nodding her head in agreement, shivering remembering what had
happened, but put the ring on her middle finger, then lay back against the pillows, “What time is it?”
“I let you sleep, it’s about quarter to three, pm.”
Cordelia’s eyes got wide, “My parents will be worried to death.”
“There’s a phone right there.” He stood up and pointed to a phone.
Cordelia crawled out of bed and dialed her home number.
“Hello?” the female voice on the other end answered.
“Mother?!” Cordelia questioned, shocked that her mother had actually answered the phone.
“Cordelia Chase, where on earth are you?!” her mother demanded.
“Calm down, I’m...ok...but we need to talk when I get back, and before you ask, no, I don’t know when
that’ll be.”
“Fine, but where are you, where have you been?”
“With a friend, it was really late last night when we met up, so I crashed at their place.”
“Do I know this new friend?”
“I seriously doubt it since you’ve never met any of my friends. Goodbye Mother, have fun getting drunk
off your ass.” Then Cordelia hung up, hugging herself.
The room was silent, Cordelia stared at the phone, Angel at her.
“Are you alright Cordelia?” Angel finally asked after a long time of silence.
Cordelia turned her head sharply and snapped at him, “Huh? Oh, of course I am. I mean, my entire life is
going down the tubes. My home is being packed up as we speak. My father’s probably going to go to
prison, and I have no idea where I’m going to be living next week.” Cordelia sunk down on the bed, “My
life is like a sad story line from a soap opera or something, except you just need to add the super natural.”
Angel wasn’t surprised at her outburst, or the bitterness in her voice, and was feeling serious pity for the
May Queen, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He’d never felt the need to comfort anyone before, but before
he could do anything, her face-hardened.
“No. I’m going to do this. I am Cordelia Chase. I don’t do the ‘wallow in self-pity’ thing. That is so over.”
she straightened up and took a couple of deep breaths, “I’m not going to act all weepy eyed about this I’ll
just have to figure things out. I’m not going to let myself go down that road again. I’ll be strong, and I’ll
never show weakness again...” she gets pale, “R-right after this.” She put her hand to her mouth and ran
to the master bathroom attached to the bedroom she’d luckily noticed earlier.
Angel cringed at the sound of her getting ill in the bathroom. He followed her in and saw her kneeling
over the toilet. He crouched down behind her and held her hair as she retched into the bowl. When she
finally stopped, he handed her a Kleenex (left by the previous owners obviously).
“Here you go.” he said it with a caring gentle voice.
She looked at him, very pale, “Ok, now I’ll never show weakness again.”
Angel hide a smile, “Do you want to lay down?”
Cordelia nodded her head, but leaned against his shoulder listlessly. Angel caught on, and scooped her up,
then carried her back to the bed, laying down with her, sensing her need for companionship.
** That night **
Angel walked Cordelia to her door
“Um, Angel, I don’t say this much, but, thank you.” Cordelia told him, biting her lip.
“No problem. It was nice to have some company actually. Feel free to visit anytime.”
“You do realize I’m going to be taking you up on that often, and use you as an escape.”
“It’s nice to be someone’s escape again.” Angel revealed to her honestly.
They are silent for a moment, then she impulsively gave him a quick kiss on the lips, “Good night Angel.”
Then she disappeared inside. Angel’s surprised, but when he heard a van coming in the distance, he high
tailed it out of there.
Cordelia leaned against the door, shocked at what she’d just done. She’d kissed a dead guy...and it was
astonishingly nice.
Then the realization of what she did hit her, and she banged her head against the door, ‘I am stupid, very
stupid, stupid, stupid. What the hell do I think I’m doing?! He’s a vampire!’
Cordelia was so caught up in her thoughts, she jumped when someone knocked on the door. She spun
around and opened it.
“Oz!” she exclaimed.
Oz looked her up and down, “So you are ok. Good.”
“Were you worried?”
“A little.” He admitted. He studied her closely. He took note of her haggard appearance, the fact she’d
seemed to age since last time he saw her, and the fact she was wearing the same clothes she’d had on the
day before, “Something’s happened.”
Cordelia closed her eyes, not surprised he’d caught that, but nodded her head.
“Do you want to go somewhere to talk?” he offered kindly.
“Yeah, I need to tell you.” Cordelia grabbed her purse, then they’re on their way.
They drove in silence for ten minutes, until they reached a secluded lookout point. Oz stopped, and turned
off the van. He knew she’d talk when she’s ready, so he just waited for her to start.
Cordelia wasn’t sure how to tell him. Oz was the only friend she had left, if you didn’t count Angel, but
he wasn’t really a friend. She desperately didn’t want to lose him, but she also knew he was Oz, and he’d
never judge her, but it didn’t stop her from being afraid of what he’d think. This was totally shallow to
him, but it was her life.
She took a deep breath, and stared out at the beautiful scene below her, not looking at Oz as she talked,
“Oz, the IRS took all our money. My parents are broke.”
Oz just raised his eyebrow, “Don’t you have that trust fund? From your Grandfather?”
“Yeah, but I can’t use it until I turn 25, or else I have get married, after the age of 21. Next week, it’s all
gone. Everything, every last thing that once resembled my life, will be gone. What happened? Why did
this happen?”
“Who knows.”
“Did I ever tell you about my mother?”
Oz shakes his head.
“She’s an alcoholic, she started drinking after my bother Claudio was killed five years ago. We can’t afford
a nanny anymore, and my bothers are nine and three. Cassius, he’s nine, saw Claudio get murdered, it
was a vampire, I was there too, really long story...but, the nightmares are still there. And mom, she
drinks. More and more every year, plus she’s got chronic fatigue syndrome. They thought it was Epstiene
bar, but she just never got better, until finally they’ve diagnosed her with it. She just drank more. My
father might go to prison, so who’s going to watch out for them? Hopefully, one of my scholarships will
come through, so I can go to college, but if it does, who’s going to protect them if I don’t get one to
Sunnydale University?”
“Don’t worry Cordelia, we’ll figure out something.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Please, I want replies, I know it sounds pathetic, but I live for feedback, good or bad! If you have any
questions, or anything you’d like to point out, feel free to e-mail me! I always answer questions. And I’m
more inclined to respond back to positive reviews, if there’s a specific scene you enjoyed, or a line you
loved. I like to know what people enjoyed about my writings. A writer is always improving himself or
herself.
SO REPLY!
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